man stalking her

The good news is that by reading this article you are courageously taking the first big step to helping yourself reclaim your life back from the misery you’ve been living. You feel alone because you keep this part of your life hidden from those who love you the most. You’re frightened because you’ve lost a big part of who you used to be before you met and married Mr. Right.

Everyday you wonder if it’s even possible to pick up the pieces of your life again. It seems like you’re emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. You’re confused one minute and angry the next, but mostly you feel guilty, like you’re worthless and no one else will love you.

TRY LIVING IN YOUR SHOES FOR 5 MINUTES

It’s completely natural for anyone to feel what you’re feeling and to think what you are thinking right now! Someone else living in your shoes would think and feel exactly the same way! That’s because Mr. Right is re-orchestrating your life: controlling what you feel (like you’re a loser), persuading what you think (that it’s your fault), and dictating how you should act (to do it perfect next time—to please him).

WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

According to Dr. John M. Grohol, founder and CEO of PsychCentral, both terms: “Sociopathic” and “Psychopathic” are pop psychology terms for what psychiatry labels as: Antisocial Personality Disorder. His comparative analysis identifies commonalities both types share that fall under the label of ‘Antisocial’, (primarily males demonstrating a pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others with the central features being deceit and manipulation).

SOME DEFINING DIFFERENCES

Disclaimer Note: These definitions are not mutually exclusive by gender (females and/or males), or by type traits (a psychopath could also have a family hx of trauma, etc.).

SOCIOPATH

It is the result of environmental factors: early traumatic,or negative home life (physical and emotional abuse); primarily males who have acts of rage and/or violence; they are impulsive and exhibit high risk behavior without regard for consequences (criminal acts, substance addictions, etc.); thus, they are more likely to be apprehended and incarcerated. The term Sociopath is more widely used by the media.

PSYCHOPATH

It is said to be genetic (they are born or hard wired with the propensity to be a certain way). Identifiers can include: primarily males, well educated; happily living a normal life; who are more methodical/planful when engaging in criminal behavior, so as to minimize risk to themselves; this is someone who is charming and well liked; they feel no guilt or anxiety about their actions (often attributed to serial killers in the media).

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN TO YOU?

Despite any clinical, cultural, or social differences, and no matter what name you assign it, it is essential that you are aware of the clustering of characterological behaviors which may or may not match your partner’s way of behaving with you in your marriage.  Naturally, if he’s charming, the sex is great and he’s highly educated this does not equate him to being labelled sociopathic. However, if there’s more to it and you find yourself becoming more of something that he wants and less of what you want (to its extreme), then, perhaps it’s time to take a closer look and start taking care of yourself! 

CHARISMATIC –HE OOZES CHARM—YOU WANT TO LOVE HIM

When you both first met, he was the perfect balance of danger and charm. He was bewitching in the magnetic energy he exuded and you were immediately struck by lightening. To you he was your MR. WONDERFUL (and to himself as well). You know the saying: Love is Blind!

From Your Perspective:

Now, the charm is gone and all you’re left with is this feeling of being completely trapped in a nightmare! He verbally criticizes you and often in front of others. Or, he gives you mixed messages, saying: “I’ll change”, and then he doesn’t, leaving you alone and confused.

NARCISSISTIC = “ME, MYSELF and I”

It’s always about him, what he needs, what he wants and how it affects him! He lacks empathy, has a sense of entitlement, and fantasizes about success, power, perfect love (and more). You always believed he was brilliantly successful and you were so lucky to have him until you didn’t.

From Your Perspective:

There’s zero space for you in this relationship, leaving you unheard, unacknowledged, hurt and angry. You are emotionally exhausted from the emotional and mental mind games he constantly plays with you. At the end of the day, you don’t know what kind of mood he’ll be in or what kind of night you have to face.

A HABITUAL LIER-MR. MANIPULATOR

It’s as natural to him like taking a breath. He lies about small things in the moment ( lies that make no sense). Then, he lies about big things with vague answers like he’s leaving something out.  He lies and he cons for profit or pleasure.

From Your Perspective:

When you ask him, it becomes an argument and you don’t get any answers from him anyway. Bottom line: you feel like a nag, and at the end you feel like you did something wrong and that YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO HIM!  You feel that a huge wall is between the two of you.

THE STARE DOWN

He’s been known to stare you down: he doesn’t blink, he doesn’t change his facial features, nothing—he just glares and stares. The fish eye is his blank stare with no emotion. It’s meant to intimidate and have power over you!

From Your Perspective:

You’re always on guard when he stares at you because if you speak or say the wrong thing, you know it will be tougher on you later when you’re alone together. When he stares, you freeze up like stone. It’s your survival instinct.

POWER & CONTROL= ISOLATION

SOCIAL ISOLATION

The most common form of isolation is to extract you from your loving family, friends or social activities. He does this by displaying varying forms of criticisms about them, or he acts jealous if you’re going to spend time with them even though he’s been invited and he doesn’t want to attend. He complains that you spend too much time with them and not enough time with him (his complaints increase over time).

MONEY (Financial Isolation)

Another form of power and control is taking control over the finances. He has you hand over your paycheck or he constantly spends time monitoring the bank account online. If he’s the primary breadwinner, what amount of money you have as an allowance is always on his terms (it’s minimal and never enough for food and utilities and gas).

From Your Perspective:

He just keeps wearing you down psychologically and physically. There’s no one to tell, who would believe you anyway? You feel numb. You feel like you’re living someone else’s life. Before him you had friends, family, sports, hobbies and a great job. What Happened?

HE NEVER OWNS HIS PART OF THE PROBLEM

He deflects, deflects and deflects! Then he blames YOU, blames YOU and he blames YOU! He never says: “I’m sorry.” Rather he circles around the conversation until you’re completely confused as to what you were originally arguing about and then at then end, he’s telling you what you did wrong!

From Your Perspective:

You feel guilty and you don’t know why. You hear yourself saying: “I’m sorry.” But you don’t know what you’re supposed to be sorry about. You feel like you failed him again and that you can never please him.

When he threatens to leave you, you feel scared that he’ll do it! At the same time, another part of you wishes he would leave you! You feel miserable, and you believe that you’d be lost without him (or so you think).

HE SHAMES YOU – HE BLAMES YOU—HE GUILTS YOU

This is the psychological abuse that he repeats over and over in your marriage.

Most likely deep in his core(subconscious), he is wounded, resulting in his low self-esteem. He has no healthy coping mechanisms.

This is his way of compensating for his deep insecurity. He chooses to  externally control and manipulate others to his will. This makes him feel safer and more powerful, (this is not something you can talk to him about).

From Your Perspective:

Stating this fact is not to recruit you into feeling sorry or compassionate for him!

Rather, this emphasizes the deep seated “pervasiveness” of his beliefs and behaviors which will not change! If you have any hope in your heart, please save it for yourself.

SEXUAL MAGNETISM—SEXUAL ENERGY

He exudes sensuality, he is handsome and engaging. At the party, when he saw you across the room your heart literally skipped a beat!

A Neil Strauss comment quoted by Harville Hendrix:

They say that when you meet someone and you feel like it's love at first sight, run in the other direction. All that's happened is that your dysfunction has meshed with their dysfunction.

From Your Perspective:

Unfortunately, you’ve learned firsthand that the courtship and premarital sex was one thing but after marriage his true colors emerged. His demands became more in alignment with his sexual wants and soon sex was another instrument for him to deliver pain, pleasure or pressure (his way is the only way)! The mind games continue even into the bedroom.

IT’S TIME TO FEEL MORE LIKE YOURSELF

What is your role in this dance?

Just as he keeps repeating his actions and words over and over, the same is true for you too. It turns out that now you have internalized your own negative feelings in response to his tirades and blaming.  All of a sudden, a switch has flipped and now you’re the one who has started to repeat what he says to you!

In other words, there are two people blaming you! The first person is your husband, and the second person is YOU! Overtime, you have conditioned your response to blame yourself which results in you constantly feeling guilty! You get a double wammy of guilt.

INTERNALIZED GUILT (or any negative emotion) AND HOW TO CHANGE IT FOREVER!       

EXAMPLE: You’ve worked hard, the house is spotless, the dinner’s gourmet, you’ve set the table, you’re wearing his favorite perfume and when you serve him dinner he complains loudly that you burnt the mushrooms and throws his plate across the room into the kitchen garbage. He screams that you never do anything right, “blablabla”.

OLD BEHAVIOR: For you everything has become a habit:

Words: “He’s right I should feel guilty.”

Feelings: Guilt, shame, fear, sadness, depression, anger.

Actions/Intentions:” I’ll just clean up the mess and try to make it better next time to please him and make him happy.”

           This habitual way of behaving and thinking and feeling has manifested in your unhappiness. You are experiencing both: a biophysical reponse (chemical and body) and a psychological response (mental and emotional), to the triggers we spoke about earlier.

Goal to Remember: This is NOT YOUR FAULT!  IT’S HIS PROBLEM, not yours!

  1. TRIGGER: Whatever he says or does to make you feel guilty.
  1. STOP and NOTICE YOUR FEELING.
  2. Notice the guilty feeling.
  1. NAME YOUR FEELING: “He’s right, it was my fault I burnt the mushrooms.”

           “I am feeling guilty now.      

  1. GOLDEN RULE OF GUILT: I’m NOT buying into this!

           In order for him to make you feel guilty, you have to ‘buy into” feeling guilty!

           It won’t work unless you agree consciously to “buy into” his version of why you should feel guilty.

  1. CHOICE:

           Now you can choose to NOT feel guilty because you don’t deserve to feel guilty

           and you did nothing wrong!

  1. MANTRA:

            Silently tell yourself: “I am guilt free! I am guilt free! I am guilt free!”                            As soon as you repeat this mantra, the GUILT FADES AWAY.

  1. ONE MINUTE VISUALIZATION (helps you to BELIEVE  that you deserve to be Guilt Free. Take a moment to visualize the mushrooms as you were cooking them. Do you see the way those mushooms look?  There was no way you burnt them! You cooked them to perfection just the way he likes them!

  1. GO BACK TO Golden Rule#4: I’m NOT buying into this!

           Look at your husband. He’s really upset.  Say silently to yourself: “I’m just going to listen to him.”, “I know that there’s no need for me to feel guilty.” “The mushrooms were delicious.” “He’s really playing it for an audience.” “Tonight is my night to start feeling better.”

Starting now, you are on your path to wellness. You might wonder how a simple exercise can change your life?  Once you internally change your thoughts and beliefs, then your external reality automatically changes too!  How cool is that?