Stop trying so hard and keep it simple. You have all the answers you need on how to deepen your relationship. Regardless of how it started or what you’ve been through as a couple, right now you want to keep it going towards that long-lasting solid feeling of deep attachment.

What is it that you enjoy the most when you feel most connected to each other? Does that happen often? Or, are you searching for that, but starting to feel frustrated because you want more?

Either way, be sure to focus on your experience and how you contribute to the dynamic between the two of you. Once you start editorializing or expecting something from him it’s only a hop skip and jump into resentment (especially if he doesn’t know you’re expecting it from him).

#1--THE CONNECTION—KEEPING IT REAL

When he walks in the room do you get viscerally excited, without consciously thinking about it? For example: you inhale just a second longer, your eyes widen and you feel the smile creep across your face!

At a subconscious level, he can feel it too!  He’s picking up your energy and he’s drawn to you as he walks across the room. By the time he reaches you he’s smiling and talking (or maybe just thinking): “Damn she’s Beautiful!”

Remember when you first met and he told you what he loved most about you? Was it your looks?, your intellect? your passion? Or, all three?

Whatever he said and whatever drew him to you, as long as that was the real you…then, you want to be that same authentic person that showed up in the relationship when you first met.

Of course, change is part of life, growth and self awareness. Just maintain the core you know yourself to be. If you’re in an MBA program don’t drop everything in your life to make him happy including dropping out of school.

On the other hand, if you were kind of faking it when you met him, (expressed interest in football even though you hate football), then you know that won’t be sustainable over time. Eventually, your true self will emerge.  If that’s where you’re at right now, then it’s time to recalibrate!

#2--TIME TO RECALIBRATE

If you haven’t been completely forthright up to now, then possibly two or more things can happen: 1) You know that if you’re holding back on the real you, you might start feeling guilt, shame, or anxiety because you’re trying to figure out how to introduce the real you to this guy; Remember, it’ll never be the right time, you just need to do it. 2) If you wait to long, he’ll sense it and feel uncomfortable around you; This could be why you haven’t felt the purity of that deep bond between you.

#3--THE MORE YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, THE MORE LOVE YOU HAVE TO GIVE TO HIM                                    

When you make yourself happy and he sincerely loves you, then, he’ll love you even more for how you show up in his life! By loving yourself, it becomes effortless to include him in that circle of love. If you give all of your love to him and leave only crumbs for yourself, then it’s guaranteed, you’ll resent him later on.

Love is about balance. Loving yourself is a priority. Loving someone else is a gift!

#4--SOME THINGS YOU SHARE AND DO TOGETHER

How do you have fun together? Do you go to events, participate in activities or just hang out? Regardless of what you do together: concerts, sports, art, athletics, vacations, reading, cooking, etc., the fact that you shared it together speaks volumes.

Even if he loves one activity more than you do, the fact that you dipped into his world for a minute, will help you understand so much more about this man you love. He’ll appreciate that you gave it a try. You can tell him what you did and didn’t like about it as a way of information sharing,  rather than criticizing something he’s loved his entire life!

#5--ASK HIM WHAT HE THINKS THEN LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS... without judgement.

Think about it, we all love to be the center of someone else’s positive attention. So, show him that you enjoy listening to him and he’ll feel connected! How do you show it?

  • Eye contact, active listening (head nodding).
  • Keep the electronics out of the conversation (phone in the other room, or on silent mode).
  • A conversation is not sitting on the couch with your head down scrolling through facebook while he’s talking or yelling to each other from different rooms.

#6--INTIMACY IS SEX AND SO MUCH MORE

Intimate conversations...Create positive healthy habits of togetherness.Talk about your dreams, your values, and your fears.  Check in with him gently and ask him what he thinks.

Intimate moments of sex and sexual conversations...Having sex and having conversations about sex, or having conversations about sexual preferences during sex, all qualify as intimacy! Talk about honesty, that’s as honest as it gets. If you can talk about needing more of what you enjoy and he’s already doing it, (or not doing it), then you can talk about anything.

WHY? Because you successfully described your needs and wants to him without bruising his ego. That takes honesty, finesse and respect.

#7--BE VULNERABLE TO EACH OTHER

Let him tell you his story of trial and error in life and you do the same.  Opening up a window of who you really are, allows him to love you for your honesty and what you’ve experienced in life that led you to each other.

Being vulnerable is not about pretending to be the damsel in distress. Rather, it’s about showing your resiliency while handling those challenging life experiences when you were most vulnerable.  If he genuinely cares for you he will respond with tenderness and compassion, not judgement.

#8--DON’T COMPARE HIM TO OTHER MEN

Either in your mind, or certainly don’t do it outloud. Stay present in the moment with him. Don’t let your mind wander as to what your best friend’s guy is like compared to your partner!

Comparison is negative and non productive. What you see is what you get. Focus on what is working between you and strengthen that.

On the other hand, if you have discovered a shadow side about him such as: addiction, violence, or some behavior that is against your core values, then it’s OK to admit that it can be a deal breaker. Your safety comes first.  Perhaps, you need to decide sooner rather than later as to actionable steps to support you, when/if you decide to leave the relationship, (family, community resources, legal, and medical care, etc.).

#9--BE THOUGHTFUL AND CONSIDERATE

It’s important to do things for each other. Be his best friend and his lover! When you start doing things for each other, the connection of appreciation, reliability, and trust is strengthened.

  • Run errands (get his shirts from the laundry).
  • Make dinner with his favorite bottle of wine.
  • Cookies, candy or put a card in his sock drawer.
  • Text him in the afternoon and let him know you’re sending him positive thoughts for his big meeting today.

#10--HEALTHY HABITS LAST A LIFETIME

Say: “Good Morning Sweetheart.” Even if you tend to be grumpy pants in the morning, doesn’t he deserve a pleasant ‘good morning’ ? You might even grow out of being grumpy in the morning by practicing a new ritual.

For sure, you don’t have to engage in huge discussions about politics without your first cup of brew, but certainly you can make him a cup and say: “Good morning.” It seems like a small thing but its ‘a connection point between the two of you! Remember you won’t see him all day, this is your last chance until the evening to tell him how important he is to you!

At the end of the day, if you’re home first and he walks in the door be sure to greet him with a kiss and a hug. If he’s at home waiting for you, and he doesn’t come to you, then, when you walk through the door, walk over to where he is and greet him with that special hug. Do it and keep doing it every day.

This will last you beyond the immediate courtship and into the years filled with diapers and mortgage and long commutes.Good habits for a healthy connection will come in handy when everything else seems to be a stressor in your life. Years from now, you’ll smile that you share this special ritual.

 #11--A SINCERE THANK YOU= SINCERE APPRECIATION

‘Thank you’ is a very powerful tool that expresses acknowledgement for his  thoughts, emotions or actions. We use these words and forget their purpose, or we say them without feeling. However, when you say this phrase mindfully and with sincerety--HE WILL FEEL IT IMMEDIATELY!

“Sweetheart, thanks so much for getting that box down from the top shelf I asked about.”

“Hey babes, thanks so much for dropping off the dry cleaning, that really helped me out.”

“Wow! You started dinner without me, THANK YOU! You must have intuitively known how exhausted I am tonight.” (smile).

#12--THE HEALING MAGIC OF HUMOR

Isn’t it great when you can laugh together? It’s been said that laughter is good for the soul. Yes it is.

A good laugh can be fun and contagious. It’s amazing how it can erase the tension, and derail the intensity. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be manufactured, through sarcasm or wit.

All it takes is a moment to see the situation in a humorous light. So, without making each other the target of the laughter, you can laugh together at the situation or at yourself! Years from now, you’ll still be laughing or smiling as you remember those happy moments.

Bottom line, you’re probably doing many of these things already, but if not, try an experiment of adding a new technique every 10 days and see which one sticks (you’ll know when you see his eyes twinkle). Whatever you decide to start doing, (positive behavior) or stop doing, (negative behavior), it’ll most certainly contribute to renewed energy in your relationship.  After a while, you won’t have to think about doing it, because it’ll be second nature