AM I THE ONLY ONE?
Can you have a loving intimate relationship without sex? Of course, is that what you want?
Despite what the media depicts, there is a significant percentage of couples not having sex for a wide range of reasons: emotional, psychological, physical, religious or other reasons.
The most important thing for you to do is to figure out for yourself what you need and how you feel about what is happening for the two of you right now. Once you figure that out, then you can decide next steps. Despite the external pressures on you the best thing to do if it bothers you is to talk about it.
You wanted the dream and then the dream changed—or did you change with it and he didn’t?
DREAMS CHANGED + VALUES CHANGED + YOU CHANGED + LIFE HAPPENED
CAN MY MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
So how long has it really been since you’ve had sex? Is it too long to remember? The bigger question is how do you feel about yourself and him even though it’s been a while?
FEELING DISTANT AND AWKWARD? Or, SIMPLY BORED and FRUSTRATED?
Do you feel like you’re becoming best friends or roomies without the benefits? Knowing he’s loyal but wondering how long can this go on? Do you see that you’re each drifting apart and at a loss as to what to do?
IT JUST SORT of HAPPENED or IT SIMPLY STOPPED
No matter how you explain it to yourself you still miss the sex, the fun and the touching. What happened to having sex in every room in the house and afterwards sharing your dreams together while you cuddled in bed? At the beginning, it was non-stop fun and sex and
now-a -days you don’t even share the same room together.
The Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture found that 12 percent of married couples hadn’t had sex in the previous 3 months. Another survey revealed that, on average, 20 percent of spouses hadn’t had sex in the past year.
STATISTICS ASIDE… TIPS TO REMEMBER of WHAT NOT TO DO:
Don’t compare your current marriage to the days when you were younger and in lust!
Don’t’ “act out” your resentments by bitching, yelling or nagging at him!
Don’t tell your best friend or mother all the things you need to be telling him!
Don’t start until you’ve decided to make changes for yourself as well. It takes two to tango.
NO DRAMA—JUST COMFORTABLE
If life is comfortable and there’s no drama that’s a good thing! Perhaps you’ve raised the kids and now it’s your time-- just for the two of you. There’s plenty that you share together: travelling, reading, friends, sporting events and other shared interests.
ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY
If you feel comfortable in your marriage and you talk about a lot of things (except the lack of sex) there is a strong foundation that you’ve built upon over the years that will help both of you. When you decide to explore some options between you to increase the intimacy that seems to be gone, it will draw upon your love, your friendship and your kindness to one another.
Then, it’s about reaching out to him without blame.
IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT GO A LONG WAY
ICE BREAKER: Forget the resentment and the awkwardness and for five minutes walk up to him with a smile on your face and give him a hug. You can even say, “Hi, I just needed a hug from my beautiful husband. How are you doing?” This is key to moving forward with positive energy.
NEW ROUTINE: Create a new ritual of greeting him with “Good Morning” and a “Good Night Sweetheart” and a “Hey Babes, how was your day?”
NO EXPECTATIONS: A peck on the cheek with a strong squishy hug can turn into a kiss on the lips. Who knows? Whatever you do make certain you do it without any expectations.
If you have an agenda that it will be wonderful and he’ll take you in his arms –you might be setting yourself up for disappointment for both of you. Just keep it simple and positive and friendly. If he acts awkward just keep smiling and smoothly let the awkward moment pass.
MAKE EYE CONTACT and smile. Tell him you were thinking positive thoughts for him, knowing he had a big meeting that day. Let him feel your positive sincerity.
SMILING MORE and MORE and MORE: It’s kind of hard to be angry or agitated or rude when his beautiful wife is smiling at HIM and paying attention to HIM! Even if it’s just for a moment focus your attention on HIM.
SMART PHONES: They are wonderful and an integral part of our lives, but do not bode well
when people are texting instead of talking, or texting someone else when you need to focus on who is in front of you! Nothing new, trendy, digital or electronic will ever replace direct face-to-face eye contact and a smile!
ACTS OF KINDNESS: Make his coffee in the morning just the way he likes it. If the coffee machine does it, then bring it to him or have his favorite pastry tomorrow morning heated with butter on it just for him!
FLOWERS: Instead of thinking how he never brings you flowers, why don’t you bring him flowers? Start treating him the way you want him to treat you. Remember the gesture has to genuinely come from you to him without any expectations of change from him.
TRUST: Think of it as planting seeds into the ground. The farmer cannot go out into his fields and tug and pull on the leaves to make them grow faster. He just tends to them, weeds around them, waters them, feeds them with nutrients and makes certain they get lots of sun. He trusts and believes that his plants will grow and bloom because of the good love energy he infused into each plant.
APPRECIATION: If you have love for yourself and for your spouse, appreciate that. Be grateful for your kids, your pets, your home, your love and your health! Appreciate that you have each other.
IS THIS A LOT OF WORK?
Only if you think it is. This is a process. It’s a path towards connecting and creating intimacy!
Step 1: POSITIVE INTENTION are the positive emotions of wanting the best for each of you.
Step 2: CHANGE YOUR THINKING from what you “used to have”, “lack now”, or “wish it might happen in the future”. Start seeing what you have in front of you. Other people would stand in line around the block to have your life!
Step 3: ACTIONS by taking baby steps one at a time. This is a covert mission to reclaim your power back over the awkwardness and disengagement. Actions tells the Universe you are seriously showing up in this marriage and you’re willing to do your part.
By infusing your marriage with new behaviors, new attitude and a new outlook, you are creating a new energy in the marriage. Start taking care of yourself: exercise; yoga; change your hair style; get a new outfit. The more joy you reclaim for yourself, it will ripple into the relationship.
…the more you take care of yourself the more love you have to give!