Divorce is a legal, emotional, psychological, physical, financial and a spiritual journey.
It impacts you at all levels. It’s hard core reality without any sugar coating.
No one plans on divorcing when they first marry. Some might say: “It just happened!”
They kind of refer to it as if the marriage propelled itself automatically without any input from either them or their partner.
That only works if you’re in denial and you’ve decided not to own your part of it.
Perhaps this is the time to hit the pause button and take a look back and see how you got to this space and place in time. Did you see it running towards you? Or, did it sneak up on you when you least expected?
Either way, you never thought this would be your life!
You’ve heard the horror stories, you’ve got friends, relatives and TV Celebrities to tell you all about it. You’re in shock, you’re confused and you can’t stop crying!
Going to work seems impossible, because you can’t focus. At night when you’re alone, or when you’re in the shower, you find yourself trembling with fear. Life feels like it’s one big cookie crumble.…
It actually comes down to: How much arguing? What kind of arguing?
Actually, a little arguing is a good sign, much better than zero arguing. WHY? An occasional argument just indicates that you’re two separate people with your own perspective and opinion. So, an argument here and there is not a danger sign, rather a sign of healthy individuality.
An exception to that would be if you’re in a new relationship and right off the bat, you argue. Without having a looking glass, you have to figure out if this is the foreplay to a long relationship of increasing tension, unhappiness and arguments about almost everything due to a mismatch of core values between you (money, education, kids, socialization, etc.)? Or, is it an adjustment period of two loving partners getting to know each other early in the relationship?
Zero fighting needs a closer look. If you’ve been married for decades with ups and downs and now you’re both in the golden years, you know each other very well, and understand those triggers and differences. You’ve reached that special place where you love each other despite each other’s idiosyncrasies.
However, if you’re early on in a relationship and you never fight, that could be a red flag. Do you get really frustrated or angry but find yourself stuffing it to appease your partner? At the very least, If you don’t speak up it could be a prescription for future resentments, unhappiness or poor health.
MARRIAGE AND STRESS ARE INSEPARABLE: SEVEN EASY STEPS TOWARDS FIXING IT!
Couples across cultures and continents, race and religions, economics and demographics all experience the same human emotion when faced with challenges in their primary intimate relationship. It feels like nothing ever gets resolved, the dance just keeps repeating itself. It’s the merry-go-round of pain, misunderstanding, hurtful words and blame that gets uglier with each turn of the wheel.
NAME YOUR STRESS
The biggest stressor is prolonged, chronic stress! Take your pick: depression by one or both partners, long term illness, work stress, money stress, problems with children, addictions, blended families, co-parenting issues (not unified in your parenting style), it seems all consuming at times.
A very common yet significant issue for couples is core value differences. When you first met him, he seemed so interesting and enticing (opposites attract), but after the romance faded, it turned out to be a disconnect between each of your core values: education, how to raise your children, travelling, money, marital roles and responsibilities, religion and more.
These are BIG ticket items when it comes to maintaining a long-term marriage with someone.
Shared core values: Honesty, Trust, Communication is the key equalizer to a stronger healthier happier marriage. Is this the guy who judged you or made negative comments about your core beliefs or how you…
How Would You Define It: Who? What? When? Why? How?
Of those five questions after you sort through the ‘who’ and the ‘what’, the most important question to ask yourself is: “How am I going to cope with this right now?” Once you know who, and what and when, asking why might help you resolve it in your mind for a minute. However, for the long-term, despite whatever happened, you know it now and you need to start coping now! Did you know that people can stay stuck in “why” for decades?
Your Struggle is Real and Emotions Run Deep.
Challenges ebb and flow in life both negatively and positively. The emotions that flow with it are always the same. They ebb negatively into desperation, fear, resentment, anger, sadness, overwhelmed and then they flow gradually into joy, appreciation and more.
It can be a onetime event, or a long drawn out battle. If you do nothing, the ramifications of those challenges can stick around for decades! Whether you freeze in the moment or you act impulsively, you’re still impacted by How you choose to cope, or not.
HOW? This is The Key! How Do You Cope?
You can decide to cope with this problem in a healthy way: Exercise (walk, run, bicycle, take an exercise class). Make sure you sleep well, see a professional counselor, meditate, start a yoga class, or pray. Whatever you do make it something…
BETRAYAL and SHOCK
After weeks of him being blamed, shamed, yelled at, and asked the same questions over and over about who initiated contact between him and his lover, your cheating husband says to you: “I just want things to go back the way they were.”
Really? What does he mean by that? Was it really that great between the two of you before all this happened? How on earth can you go back to a time when you thought he was loyal, loving and good? Will you ever be able to trust him again? You wonder if you still love him. Who is he? So many questions without answers.
NOTHING IS THE SAME
After weeks of shock, pain and confusion the numbness is fading and anger is emerging. It seems like you’ve been on a nonstop roller coaster. You’re both exhausted: emotionally, mentally and physically. Whatever your reaction to the affair, it will be unique to you alone.
If you’re the cheater and got caught or if you’re the victim whose world is upside down, either way you are suffering on multiple levels. Remember, the only two people who really understand what the pain feels like is the two of you and it hurts so bad. You both have hurt each other and you wonder how it will ever get right again.
The biggest mistake would be to not talk honestly about what exactly happened. Honest questions require honest answers. If you can’t do that, or you’ve never had that kind of conversation with each other, then now is the time. So, stop the blaming and make an appointment to talk with each other without the kids, or the dogs, or the phone.
HOW TO BEGIN…